My Experience With Infertility and the Atonement

I distinctly remember the first time I heard the story of my namesake, Hannah, in the Bible. I remember asking my mom "so, what does it mean that God 'shut up her womb'"? My mom explained that some women, for one reason or another, are unable to give birth. This was a new idea to me, at 6 years old, and although I couldn't fully understand what that meant at the time, I felt a deep sympathy for Hannah. It was, after all, my main focus and goal in life to be a mommy, and I couldn't imagine my life any other way.

A couple weeks ago a woman came up to me in church. 

"Where's your baby?" She asked

"..I'm ...I'm sorry, what?"

"Your little girl? Is she here today?"

"You must have us confused with someone else. We don't have any kids."

She apologized, I introduced myself, we talked for a bit, and then she left to find her seat. I sat there, stunned. Wanting to cry, wanting to tell her so many things. I wished I could say, "I ask myself every day where my baby is. I ask God why I, of all people, don't have the child I have prepared my whole life for." But then again, I already knew the pain only worsens when I tell someone about my struggles and they still can't understand. 

 However, in even just the beginning stages of this journey, I have realized that I now understand the atonement in a completely different light and rely on Christ in ways I didn't know I could.

At first, I prayed that we would get pregnant. I kept thinking it would happen, and maybe I just needed to pray for it more. People would talk about how they knew God loved them because He sent them His precious children. I thought that I must not have enough faith, or that God didn't trust me.

After we finally got a diagnosis, I prayed for God to take it away. I prayed that we would be healed and everything would be ok.

Then I started praying that the treatments would work, that the Doctors would be inspired, and that I wouldn't feel any more physical pain. 

After a while, I became bitter. My prayers weren't working. 

One particularly bitter Sunday, we had a lesson that completely changed my view. My teacher asked the class, "What are the enabling aspects of the atonement?" 

 I assumed he meant repentance, being forgiven, saving grace, etc. . . but his lesson surprised me. 

He talked about how grace is not just something that happens on judgement day to make up for our faults. It is an on going tool we can use in our lives. Grace does not take away our trials, but it can make up the difference between what we have to endure and what we can handle.  

It's not that the idea was new to me, but the fact that I failed to connect my situation with the idea. 

I had been praying for the wrong things. I thought that I was exercising faith in Christ by believing He would take away my problems. What I needed was faith that His grace would help me to handle them. 

Then, I prayed to become stronger. I prayed that I wouldn't be jealous of my friends and siblings. I prayed that I would recognize the other blessings in my life. I prayed that I would stop comparing my life to what I wanted my life to be. 

I can't say all the pain went away. I can't even say it 'fixed' our problem. It did create the change in me that God intends for us during trials. Sadness and difficulties are not meant to be ignored. Life isn't meant to be easy all the time. It is during these difficult times that we learn to rely more on Christ, we realize we can't do it alone, and, most importantly,  that we don't have to.

              

                                Trials change us. . . and that is something to be grateful for. 

*This post is intended to be an outreach to others struggling with fertility issues. I am in no way trying to complain about the beautiful life I have, or boast about what I have learned. I just know that other people who have been brave enough to share have helped me feel a lot less alone in this process. Love ya'll!